How to Handle Emotional Cheating
Whether you suspect emotional infidelity or have engaged in it yourself, it’s essential to handle the situation with honesty and self-awareness—whether that’s together or apart.
In many cases, seeking professional guidance, like a couple’s counsellor, is helpful, as the process can be complicated and difficult.
To get you started, here’s some advice for handling emotional cheating.
If you suspect it:
1. Pause and reflect
Before confronting your partner, take a moment to ground yourself and clarify your feelings. It’s normal to react in the heat of the moment, but taking a minute to reflect and gather your thoughts is more helpful in the long run.
2. Reflect on the evidence
What have you noticed? What have you found? It might be changes in their behavior, secrecy, or increased contact with someone else, or you may have seen messages or overheard conversations. Be clear on what you know and what you might be assuming.
3. Communicate openly
If you haven’t already, talk to your partner to find out what’s going on. Try not to accuse them, but ask open-ended questions and talk about how you’re feeling using “I” statements, for example:
“I feel we’re growing quite distant since you’ve been spending more time with X”
“I’m feeling uncomfortable about your relationship with X. Is there something going on between you?”
“Do you have feelings for them?”
4. Communicate your boundaries
It’s possible they will brush you off saying, “We’re just friends,” but if you feel strongly that something more is going on, you should insist on having an honest conversation and assert your boundaries.
5. Understand the bigger picture
Are there bigger issues going on in the relationship that need to be resolved? Is there neglect, lack of intimacy, or conflict? As these often precede infidelity, it’s important they are addressed.
If you’re the one having an emotional affair
1. Acknowledge the harm
Instead of invalidating their feelings or denying any wrongdoing, acknowledge their feelings—the sense of betrayal is real even without sex. Accept that your actions could have lasting emotional consequences.
2. Be transparent
If you’re willing to work on the relationship and heal from the affair, be transparent about what happened and why it happened. Offer your partner as much information as they need to rebuild trust.
3. Explore your motivations
Understand what led to the affair—were you seeking more intimacy? Were you resentful toward your partner? Are you looking for more variety? Understanding your own reasons will help you decide how to move forward.
4. Take responsibility for healing the rupture
If you want to repair your relationship, make sure your partner knows you’re committed to taking action. Be open to communication and participate in therapy if needed. If your partner prefers you to stop contact with the affair partner, respect their needs.
A Take-Home Message
It’s not always easy to tell when a friendship crosses the line into something more, but secrecy, romantic feelings, and emotional distance from your partner are telling.
Emotional infidelity can be as hurtful and damaging to a relationship as sexual infidelity, as it erodes trust and creates feelings of rejection, resentment, and loss.
Honest and open communication, and possibly the support of a professional, are important to move forward, even if you decide it’s best to part ways.
We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free.
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