10 Tips to Heal Your Attachment Style

Can Attachment Styles Change?

According to attachment theory, how we behave and feel in relationships is often automatic because attachment styles are based on core beliefs formed in early life (Bowlby, 1982). But that doesn’t mean they can’t change.

Attachment styles are learned patterns, known as working models, that can be updated over time as you have new relational experiences and develop greater self-awareness. One such pattern is the anxious-avoidant loop, where people with opposing needs create an intense push-pull dynamic.

Research by Olufowote et al. (2020) shows that people can move toward what’s known as earned secure attachment. This can happen because the way our brain is wired can change throughout our lives. A concept known as neuroplasticity, it means we can learn new patterns of thinking and behaving with intentional effort (Demarin et al., 2014).

Over time, repeated experiences of safety, consistency, and emotional responsiveness can help reshape how you relate to yourself and others. But change doesn’t happen overnight, and it doesn’t mean you’ll be perfectly secure all the time.

Through awareness, effort, and patience, your reactions can become more flexible, your emotions more manageable, and relationships more satisfying.

How to Heal Your Attachment Style While Single

You don’t have to be in a relationship to heal your attachment style because the attachment system is active in any close relationship you have.

Being single can offer a unique opportunity to build awareness and practice new ways of relating without the immediate relational triggers of a romantic relationship, which are often the most intense.

Here are a few tips for healing your attachment pattern when you’re single:

1. Education

Once you know your attachment style using attachment style tests, you can educate yourself about the patterns, triggers, and coping mechanisms associated with it.

2. Awareness

When you better understand attachment theory and your attachment style, you can develop awareness of your feelings and behaviors in relationships. While there are general patterns for each attachment style, the way you relate will be unique to you. You could keep a written journal of your experiences to help notice patterns.

3. Question your beliefs

Remember that your core beliefs and fears are based on experiences you had in life—they’re coping mechanisms that helped you survive. However, in the long term, these insecurities can undermine your quality of life and relationships.

Gently question your assumptions, like, “I’m better off alone” or “I’m not enough,” and allow for alternative interpretations. Over time, this can help you reshape your internal working models.

4. Understand the past

Understanding how early relationships shaped your attachment style in childhood can help you to stop judging yourself and provide more clarity about your triggers. You could ask:

• How did people around me respond to my emotional needs when I was younger?
• What did I learn about love, closeness, or conflict from my early relationships?
• When I get triggered in relationships now, what does it remind me of from my past?

5. Healing anxious attachment

If you have a more anxious attachment style, healing your attachment pattern often involves learning how to soothe distress without immediately relying on other people’s reassurance. This could include learning to tolerate uncertainty and using grounding techniques, such as mindfulness or yoga, to help slow impulsive reactions.

6. Healing avoidant attachment

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, the work often involves increasing emotional awareness and tolerance. This can include noticing emotions before they’re suppressed and learning to name and articulate feelings. It can also be important to learn to stay present, rather than withdrawing, through practices such as mindfulness.

7. Taking responsibility

Shifting from blame to responsibility can be an important part of healing. While attachment insecurities are shaped by past experiences outside of your control, you can actively work on them now.

This also means recognizing that although others can influence how you feel, learning to understand and manage your emotional responses is empowering.