The Cost of ‘Being a Man’

For generations, many boys have been taught the same lesson—sometimes explicitly, often subtly: don’t cry, don’t be scared, don’t be emotional. Sadness is brushed off. Fear is minimized. Vulnerability is framed as weakness.

But what happens when we raise boys this way?

When boys are told they shouldn’t cry when they are sad or admit fear when they feel unsafe, we aren’t making them strong—we are teaching them to disconnect from themselves. Over time, this disconnect can grow into something far more damaging: a lack of emotional intelligence.

When Emotions Are Invalidated

Many boys receive the message, “Your emotions are wrong.”
Or worse: “You can’t trust what you feel.”

Parents and caregivers may say things like:

• “You’re fine.”
• “That’s nothing to cry about.”
• “Be a man.”
• “Don’t be scared.”

While often well-intentioned, these responses invalidate a child’s inner experience. According to Dr. John Gottman’s research on Emotion Coaching, when children’s emotions are dismissed or minimized, they don’t learn how to understand or regulate those emotions, and they learn to ignore them.

But emotions don’t disappear when ignored. They simply go underground.

The Cost of Emotional Disconnection

Boys who grow up not knowing what they feel—or believing they shouldn’t trust their emotions—are more likely to:

• Enter dangerous situations because fear is dismissed rather than honored
• Struggle to identify their needs
• Suppress sadness until it emerges as anger, numbness, or risk-taking
• Have difficulty forming healthy, emotionally connected relationships

When we raise boys to override their internal signals, we remove one of their most important survival tools.

Emotions Are Not the Problem

All emotions are a gift. They exist for a reason.

Fear keeps us safe.
Sadness signals loss and the need for connection.
Anger highlights boundaries that have been crossed.
Joy points us toward meaning and purpose.

Emotions are information. They guide us toward what matters and help us navigate the world with awareness. When boys are taught to listen to their emotions rather than suppress them, they develop resilience—not fragility.