Because of my bipolar, I struggled with the heady feeling of connecting with a brand new romantic accomplice. Here’s what I discovered in regards to the distinction between attraction and real love.
“I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.” —Scarlett O’Hara, Gone with the Wind
Understanding Love & Attraction
Do you consider in love at first sight?
I did. So typically I would depart a primary date and assume to myself, “That’s it. He’s the one.” I snort at myself now, as hindsight is at all times 20/20. Looking again, all of the indicators of limerence and purple flags have been proven instantly. First, what is limerence?
The time period was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 ebook Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. It was additional researched by Dr. Lynn Willmott in 2012. Willmott outlined limerence as: “An involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation” (Love and Limerence: Harness the Limbic Brain).
For me, that meant obsessing over somebody based mostly on an imaginary thought in my head (sometimes because of my bipolar mind). For occasion, a date tells me he loves my lasagna. Well, in my head, I’ll take that as he needs me to be his spouse and cook dinner him lasagna each evening. Pretty ridiculous, however within the warmth of assembly somebody I simply “connected” with, the alternate realities consumed me.
Dealing with Painful Romantic Breakups
However, when the precise consequence doesn’t meet up with my made-up expectations, I’m devastated. Breakups and residing with bipolar disorder really feel like demise. I notice the drama of that assertion, however I can’t assist however really feel like somebody has actually died when a relationship ends. It’s like part of me is lacking, and it aches.
My bipolar mind makes the ache more durable with its deception and inaccurate ideas of “love.” These inaccurate ideas I now fondly discuss with as “Limerence Lies.” Here are among the lies I’ve instructed myself and the way discovering the reality helped me recover from the ache of my breakups.
Understanding My Limerence Lies
Lie #1: Shared Goals
“This man is my future husband, and we are going to spend the rest of our lives together!”
I’ve at all times been a serial monogamist. I didn’t actually wish to date. My total precedence after I first began courting was marriage. I quickly discovered that this notion was not shared by the lads I met. I’d create conditions that weren’t based mostly on a shared actuality. Unless two individuals are on the very same web page about the way forward for their relationship, it’s very onerous to maneuver ahead.
Lie #2: Permanence
“We have so much in common and have an instant connection—this will last forever!”
As everyone knows, nothing lasts without end. But my mind might be delusional after I’m on this intoxicated state of what’s generally referred to as the “honeymoon stage” of a brand new relationship. This stage is sort of addicting to me. I would like this reciprocated feeling of adoration to be countless.
But the honeymoon finally ends, and we’re left with actual life. Real life might be demanding and concurrently boring. Living with bipolar disorder makes these realities a lot more durable. I’ve discovered that it’s extra essential that somebody doesn’t simply adore me in the course of the preliminary levels. It’s straightforward to be likeable at first, what actually issues is discovering somebody who loves you within the tough moments.
Lie #3: Changing Identities
“If I become EXACTLY who this person wants or needs me to be, then they will love me.”
I think about myself a chameleon, at occasions. I can simply mix right into a scenario and match my persona to a different individual’s wants. The final people-pleaser. But what number of occasions did this have an effect on my very own personal boundaries and emotions of self-worth?
No quantity of affection or consideration might be given to somebody that can make them innately love you. Love comes from inside and can’t be manipulated. If it’s not yours to start with, then it by no means was.
Lie #4: Love as a Solution
“This relationship will fix my life. No longer will I be sad. This person completes me!”
The solely one that could make me really feel entire is me. This was a shaking actuality for me to come back to phrases with. I’ve at all times appeared for love in different folks. It took me so lengthy to let go of attachments by studying to like myself first.
The Truth about Love & Connections
I’ve discovered that actual connections are grounded in shared experiences and realities. What goes on in my head must be correctly discerned, particularly with my psychological well being situation. I have to always look again on the lies I’ve instructed myself to understand the reality.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” —Corinthians 13:4–6
The reality above all is what set me free and helped throughout my worst breakups. Really wanting on the scenario for what it was and never how I hoped it might be is what opened my eyes and gave me peace to heal.
Originally posted December 27, 2022
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