3 Examples of Enmeshment
Next, we consider several examples of enmeshment, formed in three very different types of relationships.
In the family
When 14-year-old Jacob repeatedly returned home early from school with feelings of discomfort, his parents, Robert and Kate, sought help from a therapist (D’Astice & Russell, 2020).
Following several sessions, it became clear that “Jacob’s autonomous functioning at school was constrained by disengagement from his father, enmeshment with his mother, and a somewhat divided parental subsystem” (D’Astice & Russell, 2020, p. 914).
The therapist suggested Jacob be given more space and responsibility to help him cope with social situations better. Jacob and Robert were encouraged to discuss additional coping strategies, and along with Kate, the three of them worked on setting clearer, more consistent boundaries (D’Astice & Russell, 2020).
Friendships
When 26-year-old Alex found herself constantly rescheduling her life to accommodate the needs of her best friend Sam, she began to feel drained and overwhelmed, seeking guidance from a life coach (Kristenson, 2022; Aloian, 2024).
Coaching sessions uncovered that Alex felt responsible for managing Sam’s emotional state to the point where she was sidelining her own relationships and interests. Alex’s sense of self was becoming increasingly intertwined with Sam’s, and she lacked the individual space she desperately needed.
The coach recommended that Alex cultivate a sense of self separate from Sam by establishing firmer boundaries, prioritizing her needs, and fostering a healthier, more balanced friendship (Kristenson, 2022; Aloian, 2024).
Romantic relationships
When Jordan and Taylor moved in together, they became inseparable; neither would make a decision (even a straightforward one) without the other (The Couples Center, 2023).
Jordan had difficulty spending an evening alone or with other friends without Taylor. The result was that Taylor’s personal interests took a back seat, with all focus on the relationship.
A relationship counselor helped them see they were enmeshed as a couple and felt threatened by (and fearful of) the thought of personal space. They were encouraged to foster individual interests and spend time apart while being reassured that this would strengthen, not weaken, their relationship (The Couples Center, 2023).
10 Signs to Look Out For
Enmeshment can take many forms. The following is a list of possible signs for a counselor or mental health professional to watch out for in their clients (D’Astice & Russell, 2020; Bacon & Conway, 2023; Coe et al., 2018).
- Indistinct personal boundaries
Trouble distinguishing their personal feelings, thoughts, and desires from those of close others - Reduced self-identity
A weakened or damaged sense of self; regularly putting the needs and goals of others before their own - Heightened emotional dependence
Displaying excessively close and dependent emotional connections with significant others, potentially hindering their personal or social development - Increased relational dependency
Expressing the belief they cannot lead a meaningful life without another’s constant involvement or approval - Decision-making difficulties
Struggling to make personal decisions without experiencing guilt or anxiety, indicating a lack of autonomy - Behavioral over-adaptation
Adapting behaviors, desires, and actions excessively to meet others’ needs or expectations, often at the cost of their own wellbeing - Challenges in external relationships
Experiencing difficulties building and maintaining relationships outside the primary enmeshed relationship, including friends, work colleagues, and romantic partners - Mental health concerns
Experiencing anxiety, depression, or stress, potentially stemming from feelings of entrapment or inability to create and pursue an independent life - Parental over-involvement
Reporting a family dynamic where parental needs are prioritized above their own, leading to overdependence and blurred boundaries - Behavioral issues in child clients
Children showing signs of externalizing problems such as behavioral issues and oppositional defiance, especially in situations of family instability
The list is not exhaustive, and clients must be considered within the context of the relationship under review (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
Root Causes & Their Consequences
“Families with clear boundaries maintain a balance between autonomy and relatedness” and support their members by giving sufficient distance to offer a degree of independence while providing enough support to ensure the necessary closeness and involvement (D’Astice & Russell, 2020, p. 912).
Enmeshment occurs when relationships have “diffuse or porous boundaries” (D’Astice & Russell, 2020, p. 912). They result in too much family involvement, reducing individual autonomy.
The consequence is a potential lack of independence, a heightened sense of belonging, and a high degree of sensitivity that can impact adaptation to stressful situations, mainly when those around the individual depart from expected behaviors (D’Astice & Russell, 2020).
Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
Enmeshment trauma is “a form of emotional damage that occurs when one or more parents project values, needs, and dreams onto their child” (Ardelean, 2022, p. 15).
Ultimately, the child abandons their sense of self in an attempt to please their caregiver and be worthy of their love.
Such trauma means that when the caregiver is unavailable, the child may experience feelings of emotional abandonment yet may feel an increased sense of control and peace (Ardelean, 2022).
10 Tips & Strategies for Overcoming Enmeshment
It is possible to break free from overbearing relationships and escape the shackles of enmeshment. The following is a brief set of tips and strategies for overcoming enmeshment based on practical therapeutic experiences (Martin, 2023).
Work with clients to (Ellie Mental Health, 2023; Mindwell NYC, 2021):
- Identify and experience feelings
Recognize and explore personal emotions rather than those they are told to feel. - Establish boundaries
Establishing boundaries is crucial. Boundary setting helps tell other family members what they are and are not allowed to do. - Consider their needs
They can learn to consider their personal happiness rather than endless self-sacrifice. - Communicate their needs
Once they have recognized their personal needs, suggest that they make others aware of them. - Take steps toward autonomy and independence
Encourage them to strive toward owning their decisions, goals, and problem-solving. - Develop their identity
Explore their identity. They do not need to conform to the expectations of others. Who would they like to be? - Seek out a professional
Breaking free from overbearing relationships is difficult, but a therapist can help them navigate the process. - Build autonomy
Do the things they love. Begin to pursue personal interests and encourage other family members to do the same. - Practice mindfulness
Use mindfulness to ground them in the present and connect with their own thoughts and feelings rather than those of others. - Expand their circle of friends
Suggest they reconnect with old friends and form new relationships with those who share their interests and values.
While enmeshment can leave clients feeling dependent on others and lacking a sense of self, changing behaviors and seeking appropriate help can help them move away from past limitations and constraints (Bacon & Conway, 2023).
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